School Update 5th and 3rd Grade

When I was early on in my homeschool journey I was trying to research the future when I noticed there was this moment in homeschool accounts when they diverted, right around 4-5 grade. Grades k-3 were super easy to find out about. 4th grade got spotty and there there is just a dramatic loss in information after that. Then it was all about high school from there. I wondered why there was such a gap. It seemed like a lot of homeschool families handle those beginning grades and then there is a point when kids often times make their way to a school system. I never quite understood this but now I am here. So I am going to write about our experience.

Our kids

This year, we have one 3rd grade(ish) homeschooler and one 5th grade public schooler. Both kids are experiencing a huge difference in school, and because kids are resilient little creatures, they are both rolling well with it. If I had my way, I would homeschool them both all the way to adulthood. Alas, they are people, too. The goal for me was to get to know them well, teach them how to learn about the world, give them a solid emotional foundation and protect their feelings long enough for them to stand individually and confidently on their own two feet before throwing them to the wolves. I teach them what I feel they need to know as well as what I need to in order to keep them at or above grade level. Lastly, my goal was to make learning fun so it is something they always want to do while also empowering them to know that their education is theirs to earn. They absolutely get a say in how that happens. I am grateful I got Hazel’s first full five years and I secretly hope she will come back next year but I also see how much the social aspects of school are filling her bucket.

Miles is happy to sit back and watch how this year plays out for her to decide if a classroom setting is something he’s interested in. He has been a ‘homeschool for life’ sort of guy from the beginning. I know he’s seeing her and listening to her stories and thinking that her days sound fun sometimes, though. However, he doesn’t like getting up early and he is easily overwhelmed with social situations. He’s always been different than his sister that way. While I am a firm believer that there is ALWAYS something to be learned and questions to be asked, the typical third grade curriculums do not challenge him in the least. With his lack of interest in social development right now, I think he is the personality that would get up to no good if he was left to be bored in a classroom.

That said, his school this year is SO different without his sister to interplay with. I feel like the two of them worked so well together to spark curiosity in each other. Without her interplay, I am wondering a lot if homeschooling is in fact the right path for him. Maybe it’s me who needs to readjust and see the perks of solo homeschooling, I just feel so much more isolated this year than any other year. Which is kind of saying a lot given the first few years we moved here.

Inner Knowings

When I was pregnant with Hazel I had this weird inner knowing that she was going to be ok, through anything. She just has a very stable and adaptable presence. She is a special kind of soul with an energy that dances and frolics through the universe, brightening each situation she joins. She’s ever optimistic and if I could see aura, her’s would definitely be rainbow. She is so different from anyone I know and I really don’t know how to explain how I understood that very early on in my pregnancy, but I did. I still feel that way.

The pregnancy with her was not planned, her dad and I were not in a good place, we didn’t know each other all that well yet and, now that there was a babe on the way we had to find common understanding on how we felt about things like careers, healthy choices, financial goals, and now a baby in very short order. All very big topics to wrestle. I had some very hard feelings and resentments that my life was being impacted so much more than his. Neither of us honestly expected we’d be able to figure it out on a path where we stayed together, let alone one that looks anything like it does today. Basically, life was rough! Through all of that, never once did I doubt that Hazel would be ok. If anything, I felt she’d be better off for all the chaos. It just felt, in utero, that she will thrive in the world, and also bring something very important to it! It was opposite to anything I was hearing from other first time parents and stories from friends and family about their first pregnancy where everything was a worry. I was just so confident in Hazel. I still feel that way to this day. She’s going to be good at everything she does and she’s going to bring joy to it.

Her feelings are getting complicated. Perspectives are being challenged. Her moods are certainly shifty. Her spirit however is still endlessly positive and ambitious. She cares very deeply about the world and she’s going to improve it, somehow, some way. She’s also very good at driving the bus to get her needs met. She steers to crowds, chaos and big social situations. Basically everything we try to avoid.

Contrast that with Miles

We planned for him. The moment I was pregnant I started worrying about him. I lost SO much sleep while pregnant and so much more after. He had breathing issues when he was a baby and I would stay awake making sure he was breathing for hours. As scared as I was about raising a girl in this world, I was more scared about raising a boy. They are expected to be tough. Encouraged not to evaluate ‘feelings’ or be in touch with emotions. People play hard with them and then call them names if they don’t like that. On top of that he’s always been a little guy, he’s extra easy to push around.

I have never met someone with more instant karma than Miles. From the time he was a baby he would get a naughty idea, smack his sister and instantly fall on his bum and cry. Or steal a slice of orange and choke on it (he has had to be Heimlich-ed 4 times!). I don’t have to discipline the kid because the world seems to handle it for me. When in his super hero phase, we warned him to always to use his powers for good or the world would wallop him. For the most part he rolls with it but he’s a pretty sensitive guy, too.

Are we doing school right?

I have no flipping idea if we’re doing it right. I believe in the human spirit and that every situation offers SOMETHING to learn. I know that both of my kids are curious and that’s the key to learning. I want to, and hope I do, put some profound lessons in front of them to pick up, when they are ready for them I think they will. I also know that some of the most profound thing’s I have learned come from outside sources. This year they are going in different directions but it suites them. Miles is starting a business, Hazel is expanding her social skills.

They have both learned how to learn. They have both learned to read, now they are reading to learn. Math is no problem, both pretty intuitive when it comes to numbers and are well above grade level. They problem solve with the best of them. Life experience is the only thing lacking and that makes sense, they are only 9 and 10 years old. They are way ahead of me at those ages though!

As they are getting to flex those skills a little more independently I am trying so hard to remember my role is no longer teacher, but parent. I still boss Miles around to keep him on schedule but when Hazel comes home she doesn’t want to talk about math or science. She wants to tell me about lunch and recess. I HAVE to be the listening ear that she can vent to and help nudge her through those social situations that she isn’t quite sure yet how to handle. If I fail at this job the consequence is her not telling me about her day, and I don’t want that!

My feelings on Hazel’s progress

Hazel seems like she enjoys her days, she always says they are 8/10 or 9/10 days, but I see how tired she is, too. I am hoping it’s exhaustion and not sadness. She has found friends easily but she gets her feelings hurt fast and reads deep into experiences. She is a protector and always rushes to the aid of anyone she feels is getting picked on. This has already caused her to be the one getting bullied more than once so far in her short four weeks of school. She likes to think she’s tough and that she’d rather take it than have to watch someone else being picked on. It takes a toll on her. The first two weeks of school she would come home and just fall apart, finally in her safe zone. For her, this meant being an absolute butthead to her poor brother, whose only offense was that he missed her. While I get it, and that it’s exhausting to keep up your front all day, you don’t get to come home and just make life miserable for loved ones. She’s learning how to navigate that and now makes a point to hug him every morning when she leaves and every afternoon when they see each other again.

We have had to have talks about sexuality in the first weeks which I didn’t expect. There is apparently a lot of chatter about that in 5th grade… I am not opposed to those discussions in the least, it was just a little left field for me. Hazel wants to be an ally and I love that but her way of doing that is to express her own sexuality before she even has considered what that means fully. We got to chat about how being an ally isn’t about wearing pins and declaring yourself, it’s about including everyone at the table and sticking up for each other in our individual ways. I had to straight up tell her that I believe it is inappropriate to openly display any sexuality as a ten year old, and also that I feel it would be irresponsible for me to let her broadcast her labels on her backpack and personal belongings. I don’t know if this is right or wrong, but I know that, because of our experience with the neighbors, this town has a fair amount of child sex offenders. I don’t need another thing to worry about while she is away being an independent child for the first time and that feels like an invitation for strangers to talk about sex with her.

I am certain her new interest comes from a place of support and encouragement of friends. I also think there are better ways to be supportive, like making sure everyone gets invited to the fun. To be clear, I will support my children regardless of sexuality. But also, if you have to ask me to define certain words after you’ve adopted the label, I am going to pump the breaks a bit.

She loves her teacher because she is kind AND cool. She loves her many electives and her class is a bunch of sweethearts. They literally group hugged her on her first day of school. I honestly feel very lucky that she got a spot in that particular class with those particular people. The things I get to help her learn this year though, are way bigger and more challenging than geometry and sentence structure! I’m going to be rolling with it.

She does miss her homeschool and makers club friends and she gets thoroughly jealous of Miles’ experiences. We have been making sure she still gets to do wild school with everyone. She knows she can come back to homeschool any time she wants but even with the exhaustion of a new life, I know she loves being a part of a crew at school. She has told me several times that she’s going to stop at semester but almost in the same breath each time she tells me something she loves about school. We’re going to encourage her to stick out the whole year at least so she gets the full experience. But, it’s her choice. For now she wakes up early, on her own, very eagerly to get ready for the day! That speaks volumes.

My feelings on Miles’ progress

This boy is not being challenged emotionally in a meaningful way without his sister. They balanced discussions so well. He pushes her academically and she pushes him socially and emotionally. He just doesn’t open up the same way with other kids as he does with Hazel. He has all but canceled all of our regular social doings. I never realized just how dependent he has been on Hazel through social interactions. We hung out with our regular friends, just Miles and them, and he went into shut down mode with all the attention. I haven’t seen him do that in so long! That made us evaluate our routine and we realized how much of what we do was to get Hazel her social time. He decided he wants to stop doing makers club. Not the projects, just the group setting. He wanted to start an entrepreneur club but then decided he wanted to do that solo as well, instead of making it a club with others. We have set outdoor time to either do something fun outside or inside so long as it’s active. He likes doing all of that stuff by himself, too.

I feel like I have always been an advocate for child led learning but this kid is choosing to live in a bubble. I am not sure how long I am ok with that going on because I know a persons social skills are a much bigger factor in determining success than any academic achievements.

He has interest but it’s in very targeted things, and almost exclusively one person things. He doesn’t want to do any sports, no theater clubs without Hazel, no music. He does cubing, would be open to karate, and wants to continue his business development. We are leaning into those but I have to wonder if I am dropping the ball on his social development by homeschooling him… I have an inkling he just needs to get really bored and then he will get an interest in things outside in the world. The issue is that the kids can 100% live inside his own brain happily. I think forever. I admit readily he has a really interesting brain! I just want him to understand there are layers to life aside from intellect, too. Miles’ logic and intellect works probably at a 10-12th grade level, his communication, social skills and emotional regulation are about 2nd grade. My task is to bring those two ends closer together… but to do that I feel like we have to do more group things! Which is a hard no for now…

This year will be telling, thats for sure. I am going to have to lean into my motherly instincts I think…

I have never been more unsure

All this to say, I think I know why information about homeschooling drops off right around these years! I have never been more unsure about our path(s) forward. I certainly don’t feel as confident as past years. I think that’s ok though. It’s a little bit of a baton hand off as my kids are becoming real people. They know how to do things, and now their instincts are starting to kick in to find what they need from the world.

Aside from trying to back off of the teacher role and give them the reins a bit more, I am also going through major anxiety of MY next steps in life. I mean one day I won’t have them using up most of the hours in my day. Do I want a job again? Should I write a book? CAN I write a book? Maybe I’ll open an Etsy shop, or start a Makers Space. Maybe James and I can join forces somehow, we do seem to project together a lot better these days…

I can’t go too far down any path though because I am the on-call parent. That’s one of the things people don’t talk about enough. Someone has to hold back, even just a little, in order to be the right kind of support for the kids in case they need it. Of course we all hope they won’t… but just in case, don’t get too ambitious, right??

Oh what a year of transition!