Hazel’s School 24-25

If I had my way I would homeschool my kids forever. That would be so nice! That wouldn’t be very fair to them though, depending on their own feelings. As it turns out, this family thing is a collaborative effort, their feelings and opinions do in fact matter. As such, the last sand in the hourglass is falling on this first year of public school for our 5th grade daughter, Hazel. I thought I would share my thoughts about it.

Her take – It’s pure joy

Every day when we ask her how it was, it’s 10/10 or better. She’s never needed an alarm clock, even in the depths of the dark winter, she wakes up on her own, excited to go! From the stories, it sounds like Hazel instantly rose to being a main character in her class. Something she always hoped for but I never thought was all that realistic, based on my own experiences. It turns out there is quite a bit of projection in parenting and I am trying to get a handle on it. Her class literally developed a family tree placing Hazel at the center. Almost every kiddo in her class has a relative status based around her. She’s got great grandparents, almost uncles (people who are just really good friends with her ‘parents’ and think of her as a niece), war stories, etc. Such creative family planning.

Hazel loves school

She seems to be an anomaly in that way, though. She’s constantly telling me stories about her friends sharing how much they hate school but that she still loves all those parts they don’t like. She also feels confident enough to sport her pink and purple everything, loud and proud. I have noticed her peers have mostly converted to grey/black/white already. Childhood seems to largely be turning over for her age group as them as they measure themselves against the world. Hazel regularly calls them out on their negative self talk, because she has noticed there is quite a bit of that among her friends. Even I have heard some of it in my limited conversations with several of her peers. They are all such a great group of people, and it’s a little sad to see how early we each learn to minimize and devalue ourselves. I am really proud of Hazel’s ability to go in there and help her friends learn the value of valuing themselves! She could have just as easily tried to assimilate and adopt some of those habits herself.

Grades

I worried about grades only because I had fears I wasn’t doing enough to keep her at grade level. Especially in English Language Arts (ELA) where she struggled a lot until it all clicked around 3rd grade. I figured there would be an adjustment in work while she figured out the new systems public school requires compared to what we did at home. It’s been an unfounded worry as she seems to excel when given the more rigid expectations they use in class. She carried high A’s all the way through.

Hazel has always been really good at math, unfortunately she has Miles (the math wiz) for a brother so she has always thought herself ‘bad at math’. It mostly comes down to me as a teacher. The way I teach math resonates with him (and then he takes it further), where she struggled to understand my methods. We’ve always struggled to meet in the middle. Her teacher has helped her tremendously with that in a couple ways. Ms. Cartwright teaches math in a way that is different then I have AND in a way that makes so much more sense to Hazel. She has come to realize that she is pretty darn great at math and even finds it ‘fun’. Now Hazel comes home feeling so good when she has a breakthrough helping her friends with math. She seems to have a special skill with making math more fun and understandable for her peers. I would not be shocked at all if Hazel becomes a teacher based on how I hear she spends some of her recesses helping friends on struggle points.

There have been uncomfortable parts

I mean, the first several weeks of school I learned about every pride flag that exists and the sexualities of every student in class. This was seemingly a giant topic among peers which I did not expect at all from ten year olds. If I am honest, I was pretty horrified. I thought I had a few years before diving in that deep. Whatever though, opportunities to talk about things don’t always come up on our preferred timeline. So, we talked openly about the importance of being an ally and supporting others but also how, at 10 years old, I would prefer she focus on kid things and not worry so much about sexual preferences. I still made myself available for the conversations and she taught me about every flag and what it means. Even though it was an uncomfortable topic, it was a way to see into her new life: how she learns in a group setting and about the people she is learning with. Frankly, I gleaned a lot. They are a good group of kids.

I asked her to not declare or advertise her sexuality at this age because, with our specific proximity to predators in the past, I feel it is inappropriate and unsafe. However, I shared that other people have other lived experiences and it was perfectly ok and encouraged to be an ally for others – including what that might look like. If some one is being bullied based on any preferences she is allowed to use her voice to make sure they don’t feel alone or isolated. I told her it was ok to speak up for them and that if she got in any trouble for doing so that we would understand and work through it. Over several weeks I believe she came to understand our position without feeling isolated from any friends or peers. She now enjoys sporting her rainbow flags (she always has) without struggling to find any box that she needs to fit into just yet.

How would it impact her

When thinking about public school I was terrified about how it would impact her. I didn’t want it to break her like I feel like public school broke me. What I never spent even a single second thinking about was how SHE would impact public school. What I have learned, and I will reference my last blog post, We Are Meant to Bump Into Each Other, is to trust the process. Had Hazel never wanted to go to public school I would have never put her in it. Because she did though, means (to me) she has something to do there, or that she has something to gain. I have been thrilled that she has only been built up, not broken down at all. She’s been tired, and stressed in normal ways, but she’s on her right path and she’s able to handle it. If it ever feels like it’s taking from her, we’ll switch paths. For now I get so excited to hear her stories because it all makes it make sense! I have two of her stories to share.

First, Bullies

The first really good friend she made at school was getting bullied in class. Hazel tried without always understanding how to help. Ultimately, her friend decided to switch schools. Not for one single reason, but for a lot of different reasons, one of which was the bullying. I guess one of main bullies was the principles son, who is in her class. Hazel feels this was unjust but couldn’t quite put together why. Once her friend was gone, the boy picked a new target to bully (which to be fair, actually sounds a lot like just playing, but if it’s not fun for both sides, it’s bullying). His new target was one of Hazel’s other friends. So, what did Hazel do? She wrote a letter to the principal calling out that she feels this boy gets special treatment for being his son but that how he treats people is not kind.

I think this is great for a couple reasons. First, Hazel is trying out her voice! She was a little harsher than I think she needs to be in the letter but that’s how you learn (and she was very open to my feedback, and asked for it before sending it in). Second, this school provides an environment where she feels empowered and able to use her voice like that! How neat is that! I was petrified of my principals, I would have never thought to write a letter like that!

We even got talked to from the principal about how helpful Hazel is to her overall class and to the school (which was super nice!). If they squished every kid into submission, I don’t think we would continue on that path. I love the environment the staff creates and I am so glad we picked them for her school path!

Second, Apologies

This morning Hazel was telling me about an experience she had yesterday. There are two boys in Hazel’s class that are short. They get called short quite a lot. They take it in stride but I don’t get the impression they love it. I get to chaperone field trips quite a bit, on each outing I have told at least a kiddo that it is unkind to critique or even call out parts of a person when that person has limited ability to change that thing. I.E. if they have spinach in their teeth, sure, tell them. If they have a weird hair/eye color, a weird family, if they are skinny/fat, if they are tall/short, etc. it is generally unkind to tell a person that thing, even if you’re ‘just joking’.

Hazel told me that, yesterday, some of her friends were ‘poking fun’ at one of these boys about their height again. Hazel felt like speaking up and told them to knock it off because it’s not nice. All but one of her friends stopped apparently but one of the girls just kept going. So Hazel went over to her, told her why it wasn’t nice and asked that she apologize to the boy. The friend said ‘I’m sorry’, kind of half heartedly, and Hazel said ‘no, a real apology’. By her account the boy was appreciating this so she continued. The girl again said ‘I’m sorry’ but Hazel said that wasn’t enough. She said a good apology has four parts. The girl was baffled. By this time, her other friends and the boys friends had gathered so she explained what a four part apology was as we learned and practiced in our MakersClub.

Hazel only told me this because she said she assumed that everyone was taught the proper parts of a good apology but her friends ‘literally, had no idea’. So she got to explain it:

• Say you’re sorry, and name the thing you are apologizing for.
• Say why it was a bad choice.
• Say what you will do differently next time.
• Ask for forgiveness.

They were all apparently invested in the conversation. I got the impression in her recounting it, that it might have been a good lesson for them, both to learn to apologize better but also to be able to see a real apology or not when one is directed at them. That one might send off some ripples.

So the long and short of it

If Hazel was in the position of wanting to go to school and I didn’t support that, I would be doing her a disservice – as well as everyone she is meant to bump into at school! I think, just like my last post, that we are meant to have an impact. This does not mean I think a kid should go to school even if they don’t want to (I don’t). Nor does it mean I think public (or home) school is better than the other (I don’t). I think we are meant to follow our logic and our instincts in our own lives. That path leads us all to different places and on different paths. There is no one ‘right way’. We need to treat all people, even kids, as valid individuals, both with stuff to learn AND with stuff to teach.

I am very glad Hazel has had the exact educational path she has had. Surprisingly to me, that includes my much feared year of public school! I believe our homeschool built her a really good foundation. I think she has just the right amount of self confidence to go out into the world feeling like she has as much to give as she has to get. And I think that feeling is really important to all of our overall happiness in this world. While I hope we aren’t done entirely homeschooling, I can accept it if we are.

I am super proud of our girl!