Our beloved Denver Dog walked gently over the Rainbow Bridge on May 10th, just a couple weeks past his tenth birthday. For a Great Dane he was pretty ancient. For our adored family member, he was far too young to leave us. It has been several months but I still remember the day well. I was rushing to get out a blog post, the one about how we teach our kids about money. I had just pushed ‘publish’ and then I got a facebook message from a friend who had a tiny house question. I squeezed in a quick answer and then I had to rush down to let the chickens out because we were due to leave for Miles’ first ‘business meeting’. He was meeting with the manager of the local pool hall to talk about placing a candy machine.

I have not quite felt whole since he left, but such is life. I’m sure glad for the string of events that lead me to be able to be right there with him as he passed on. I don’t think I’d ever be able to forgive myself if I missed helping him on that transition. Almost a half a year later and my heart is still broken. I miss this big ole goofy Denver dog who shared 1/4 of my life with me.

It was a pretty awful day

He’d been struggling a bit, if I had to guess, I think he had stomach cancer based on symptoms. I didn’t want to put him through any treatments at his age so we had just been making sure to love on him as much as we could.

That particular morning was like any other. We were in a bit of a hurry but we got up to do the same chicken walk he loved so dearly. I asked Denver if he wanted to come. He popped up like a jack-in-the-box as I slipped out the door. Then immediately fell over. I almost didn’t notice but Hazel called me back to help. I thought he had just slipped because he’d been doing a bit of that.

I ran over to help him up but he was completely sprawled on his side. I thought his legs were tangled so I tried to move him. I noticed that he didn’t make any effort to help, he usually would have been scrambling to help right along with me. His muscles were spasming and I was trying to calm him down. Then I noticed he wasn’t blinking. Then I noticed he wasn’t breathing. He was still ‘there’, I could tell that, and he was scared. I told him it was going to be ok and then I told the kids that I think he’s dying and that we need to talk to him so he’s not scared. So we did.

We each got to tell him he was such a good boy and that we were so lucky that he was our dog and that we loved him so much. I told him it was ok if he had to go and that we will miss him so much but that we understood. I saw him release and drift away. It all happened in moments and then that was it.

I called James who came home. There’s just so many questions about what to do with a great big dog. I had been dreading that day because I didn’t know how it would go. Good ole Denver made it really easy on us and he didn’t make us have to choose for him. He stayed strong for us right until the end and he didn’t linger. He left peacefully surrounded by his people. Making it through winter to see his favorite, spring. I’m just so glad we were home and he didn’t have to go through that by himself.

We planted a tree in his honor

It sits right out front of this old tiny house he helped make into a home. Somedays it makes me sad, other days I just talk to him through the tree and he helps settle my mind. He still helps me with all those super complicated emotions in life, it’s just different now.

I had to call the man Miles was meeting with to postpone the meeting. I tried really hard to call when I was still in shock and not yet bawling. I failed at that. I think I terrified the poor guy. I definitely embarrassed myself. He had no idea of how big of a moment had JUST happened to us, I certainly just seemed like a crazy person. It’s been six months and I am still too embarrassed to go back, even just to play pool, let alone set up another meeting. I think we will just scrap that plan all together and find a new location. One day. So far I seem to have effectively tied that candy machine to Denver and anytime I see it I get a little sad. I think the kids feel the same, they have not asked to revisit that venture when they were pretty persistent before.

The kids

Hazel has always had more empathy for people but is much less intuitive with animals. I think she probably asked to get a new dog the same day not knowing that was a little insensitive. I know she has been processing it, and he was such a big part of our family that she has missed his presence. Just not all that acutely it seems.

Miles on the other hand seems to have been a bit traumatized right along with me. It was a big ‘first death’ experience and he definitely thought of Denver as a brother. I could see the fear on Miles’ face as it was happening and I tried to pick the right words to comfort both him and Denver through it. I think I could have done worse but it has still left a big impact on Miles. Afterward, when we went to pick a tree to memorialize Denver, Miles didn’t want to help. He sort of shut out the reality of what was happening. He waited in the car while we picked out a beautiful apple tree. When we came back he had thrown up everywhere in the truck. Mr. Miles has always had very big feelings and a very big struggle to share them. We have spent a lot of months working through some big fears and feelings and I feel like he’s getting to be at a good point with them. He still has bad dreams that creep up on him. So do I honestly. But we’re getting pretty good about sharing them.

James was an absolute rock through the whole thing. Doing all the parts that I was too much of a mess to get done. We all sure miss that big grey guy every day. Fortunately, he shows up in good dreams for all of us pretty regularly still. It’s basically my favorite thing to wake up and have James or the kids tell me that they got to play with Denver last night. Hazel just drove with him to the moon the other night! So, even though his big old body is gone, his spirit is still making new memories with us from time to time, I like that!

Just to memorialize him a bit further here, I want to write a bit more about our life together.

He lived four distinct chapters with us

Chapter 1

He arrived as a fresh, 8 week old, 22 pound puppy with bright blue eyes and a snuggly, sloppy face. He was the first tiny house roommate I ever had. We had an active social life that involved bike rides downtown and beers on patios. He would come to work with me and lounge under my desk to catch his naps between all the activities. He was well socialized and eager to be pet by anyone and everyone. 

On an early date, James and I rode bikes to our favorite patio and were bummed to find no outdoor tables open. As luck would have it, a group of people wanted to pet Denver, then they invited us to have a beer with them. We ended up meshing well and found out it was the cast in charge of Antiques Roadshow, that TV show. We got to talking and ended up being given backstage VIP passes to be on the show! I didn’t have anything of particular value, but we invited some friends who might. James’ mom came with a number of items and my brother almost made the cut to be on the show with an original Picasso plate he was given. It was a fun experience that tells a unique story of James’ and my early years. It wouldn’t have happened without that adorable puppy to pet! 

Chapter 2

As my relationship with James developed, Denver started his second life as ‘big brother’ when he got a baby to clean up after. He wasn’t so sure he wanted to share me at first but found that he liked baby Hazel quite a lot. Later, Miles found the fast track to his heart, too. As soon as Denver noticed these kids were usually coated with something sticky or stinky, they were best buddies. I was concerned that his 150 pound chunk-of-a-self would accidentally knock into them or somehow hurt a kid with all the grace of a bull in a china shop. With very few exceptions, and beyond all reasonable expectations, he was the most gentle giant, always very careful with the kids. 

This chapter of life is where he really hit his stride when it came to his favorite hobby: naps. We regularly found him filling the roll of ‘blanket’ or ‘pillow’ as needed. He’d still pop right up for an impromptu adventure but basically, life was a lot of naps, and he relished it. He particularly liked stealing the kids’ beds and they seemed to enjoy stealing his. We even had a case of a viral video where Hazel kicked him out of the freshly made nest she laid out. That video earned enough money over time to take us all to Disney World. I’m not sure how many people can say their dog took them to Disney World, but we can! 

Chapter 3

As the kids got older, our third chapter began. As a family we decided that our city was outgrowing us and it was time to go on an adventure. It makes almost no sense to live in a 200 s.f. tiny house, with a big dog and two kids and then decide to downsize to a 80 s.f. camper. But that’s what we did! And gosh was it ever a good idea!  

We again designed and built the camper around Denver’s needs. Much like the tiny house, he was literally the base line starting point for the design. The clear floor space had to fit his bed so at night he had a comfortable place to be, right near us. During the day his bed was moved outside with us. Everything else, we fit in around him. Bunk beds, a couch, kitchen and a bathroom. He was always a priority, never something we had to tolerate or fit in as an afterthought. 

Together, we traveled 40,000 miles, through 48 states and visited 53 National Parks, only skipping the ones he wasn’t allowed at. His favorite perk, being a center of attention anywhere we went. He grew to expect pets from every single stranger and they didn’t disappoint. I’m not even joking, I bet he’s had over 20,000 people pet him and he loved every single one. And oh the sights we have seen and the smells he got to smell!

Chapter 4

After a year and a half on the road, we entered what was perhaps his favorite chapter of life: farm dog! We found the perfect 6 acres for us and moved our tiny house to its final destination where we have gained legal approval (a journey in and of itself!). Every morning Denver would take himself on long walks to the pond to dunk his face. He had fields of green grass to lay in and found many foul smells to rub up against. Every evening, at sunset, he would go up to the best view point and watch the sky melt into darkness. I never knew that was a thing dogs enjoyed, too, but he sure did! Each night ended with what we called his ‘five minutes of fury’. He would bark at the hillside which would echo back his barks. He had lovely conversations with ‘Echo Dog’ before tucking himself in for the night.

Later in his farm life, when we got enough infrastructure built, he found the delights of chicken ownership. At first he just wanted to chase them but with a little training, even our old dog learned new tricks. He became the best chicken protector and was rewarded with a fresh egg every morning. He loved our daily chicken walks to check on the girls. In the last months of his life, when naps took over most of the day and his adventures were more carefully considered, the chicken walk was the only thing he was consistently up for. 

It was on this last chicken walk that he passed away. He stood up from his bed, excited to go, and then just fell over, right in the middle of our living area. He didn’t linger and he didn’t suffer. We had just enough time to see what was going on and rush to his side to comfort him as he passed on. He left us on a beautiful day, under his own terms, in his favorite season, doing the thing he most loved to do, while surrounded by his favorite people who were petting him and telling him he was a good boy. It’s a morbid thought maybe but, if I had to pick the way he had to pass on, I think I would have picked it just like that. As difficult as it was, I’m grateful for that.

I’m so grateful for him

I am honestly not sure I would have had enough pieces of the puzzle to pull together my tiny house without my illogical desire for a Blue Great Dane way back when. At that stage, my life was a bit out of my control. I couldn’t get a loan for a house, I couldn’t have had my dog and a signed a lease (Danes are on the high risk breed list and often aren’t allowed in rentals). Without my desire to have Denver, I’m not sure my mind wouldn’t have wandered to this fantastical life we have made, together. He was exactly who I needed to make it all click. While I am so very sad he is gone, I am also so very grateful for the life he and I built. 

I’m going to miss his leans, his face hugs and even his drool. I’m still just so sad that I’ll never get to pet him again. That he’ll never nose up my arm for a pet, or lean into me for a hug. I’ll miss the connection we had. He will always be my best tiny house comrade and I will forever be grateful he was my friend, my responsibility and my priority. He had a good life though and I am grateful for all the wonderful experiences we’ve shared and all the lovely memories I have documented in countless photos. He truly was the best boy.

“Dogs aren’t our whole life but dogs make our lives whole.” 

-rest well sweet ‘bumblebee’, we miss you!